WHOOP!

There are five gorgeous A's dancing before my eyes.....

yes, I place too much self worth in my grades...I'm obsessive...and I know they (whoever they are) say that recognising the problem is the first step to recovery, but I've been dawdling around in that first step for a very long time...oh, mercy.

Here, look at a happy picture :)

God is good

That is all

Monday...nope...Tuesday

Lucy leant her head on the edge of the fighting-top and whispered, "Aslan, Aslan, if ever you loved us at all, send us help now." The darkness did not grow any less, but she began to feel a little - a very little - better...

An albatross...circled three times round the mast and then perched for an instant on the crest of the gilded dragon at the prow... But no one except Lucy knew that as it circled the mast it had whispered to her, "Courage, dear heart," and the voice, she felt sure, was Aslan's.

from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, by C. S. Lewis

Dear ____,

I may have done something really stupid.

Not completely sure...but I certainly feel overwhelmed.

Did I speak too soon?

Well, it's done. So, I guess that's a pointless question.

Stop trusting in man,

who has but a breath in his nostrils.

Of what account is he?

Isaiah 2:22

Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5&6

I imagine this is what it might feel like to be swept out to sea.

Dramatic?

Yes.

Honest?

...let's hope so.

Still, the lack of homework is fantastic.

And God is bigger :)

On the brain...

We must pay more careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away. For if the message spoken by angels was binding, and every violation and disobedience received its just punishment, how shall we escape if we ignore such a great salvation? This salvation, which was first announced by the Lord, was confirmed to us by those who heard him. God also testified to it by signs, wonders and various miracles, and gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his will.

{to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything,

and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly

broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. the only place apart from heaven that you can be safe from the dangers of love is hell.} c.s. lewis

So, yesterday was a bad hair day...until I realised that my mop was reminiscent of do's I've seen on the beautiful and illustrious Helena Bonham Carter. After that, the hair became amusing, full of character, and even a bit attractive in my eyes. After all, there are sadder things in life than channeling a genius.

Hannah, you will help me re-enact this photograph, wont you?

Thanks, I look forward to it.

Listening to Sister Winter by Sufjan over and over and over and over and over and over and

over and over and overand overand overand overand overand overand overand overand over and overand overand overand overand overand overand overand overand overand over

So, you see the guy with me in the picture?...

:)

yup

God is good

that is all

Well, Lord....

from where I'm standing things sure look blah, blah, whine, complain, stink, boo-hoo..

Well then, why don't you try standing over here with me.

...

.........

...Oh...okay.

Thanks for still wanting me.

God is bigger

Romans 7:18-25

Do you ever wonder if He gets tired of all of this?

I certainly do...

...get tired of it, I mean.

God is bigger

Dear God,

Thank you for the peace.

Amen

Break....

"Tribulations cannot cease until God either sees us remade or sees that our remaking is now hopeless." C.S. Lewis - The Problem of Pain

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

"[Pain] removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of a rebel soul." C.S. Lewis - The Problem of Pain

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." C.S. Lewis -The Problem of Pain

Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

"God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love." C.S. Lewis -The Problem of Pain

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on When we shall be forever with the Lord, When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past, All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

...that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever...psalm 30:12

God is bigger

Considering this...

"...Yes, we often stop this torrent by the little value we set upon it. But let us stop it no more; let us enter into ourselves and break down the bank which hinders it. Let us make way for grace; let us redeem the lost time, for perhaps we have but little left..." - Brother Lawrence (The Practice of the Presence of God)

Confessing this...

"...the seriousness with which the other party takes my words always raises the doubt whether I have taken them seriously enough myself..." - C.S. Lewis (A Severe Mercy)

Confident of this...

...that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus...Philippians 1

God is bigger

No apologies...

and no excuses.

Yes, I realise it's been a while and

no, I don't even have the decency to write something original.

The world is charged with the grandeur of God.
It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;
It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil
Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?
Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;
And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;
And wears man's smudge and shares man's smell: the soil
Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.
And for all this, nature is never spent;
There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;
And though the last lights off the black West went
Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward springs--
Because the Holy Ghost over the bent
World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

"God's Grandeur" - Gerard Manley Hopkins

God is bigger

that is all

I got nothin'...

...maybe that's been the point all along.

                  God is unchanging

                         He is a God of peace and order

                                                              

                          God is faithful  and in all ways good

God is bigger

Hold on tight...

another wave is rolling in.

It is well

*The birds were singing summer songs when I left for class today

"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.

*The grass on top of the library is perfect for sinking toes into...or sprawling on. I highly recommend both.

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling.

*I am so thankful for my housemates and friends. So much love and support...it's humbling. 

I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the Lord." - Psalm 116

God is bigger

God is bigger...

that is all

For now...

* I can hear the girls laughing in the other room

* This weather is so refreshing. It makes me feel out of control...in the best sense.

...."Listen to me," cried Syme.... "Shall I tell you the secret of the whole world? It is that we have only known the back of the world. We see everything from behind, and it looks brutal. That is not a tree, but the back of a tree. That is not a cloud, but the back of a cloud. Cannot you see that everything is stooping and hiding a face? If we could only get round in front-"....G.K.C. (The Man Who was Thursday) 

* If I could choose to be anywhere - it would be right here - exactly where I am.

* You should see the way the rays of sun are creeping through the house. There's one above my bed and I have no idea how it got there.

You will not sleep, if you lie there a thousand years, until you have opened your hand and yielded that which is not yours to give or to withhold. You may think you are dead, but it will be only a dream; you may think you have come awake, but it will still be only a dream. Open your hand, and you will sleep indeed- then wake indeed. - George Macdonald (Lilith)

* Don't ever take shadows for granted. They're too extraordinary. 

* There's a robin fluffing it's feathers just out my window...wonder what it's like to be so brightly colored

Some also have wished that the next way to their Father's house were here, that they might be troubled no more with either Hills or Mountains to go over; but the way is the way, and there's an end. - Bunyan 

that is all.

I want to be...

More 

...now let us live up to what we have already attained...-philippians 3:16

justification, yes - and a great weight of responsibility on those who have been given much

...to live is Christ and to die is gain... - philippians 1:21

Always waiting...because...apart from God...

...all is meaningless, a chasing after the wind -ecclesiastes 1:14

I want to be...

Less

 He must become greater; I must become less...-john 3:30

Weaker than ever - to be confident in my God's perfection, glory, and grace

...maintain love and justice, and wait for your God always. - hosea 12:6

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord 

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord - psalm 27:13-14

Too much in my head...

the day opened with a freezing run toward the sunrise and closed with Em and I perched in a tree over the river 

how can I explain all that happened in between when I can't rightly describe the ends?

dear friends...created in God's image...what a comfort

I find that I am indeed still grieving 

   ...because, as you probably know, it isn't a state, but a process. It keeps changing - like a winding road with quite a new landscape at each bend. - C.S. lewis (The Problem of Pain)

and that a relationship I thought was over by satan's deception...is only begining by God's amazing grace

...The caged bird sings with a fearful trill 

of things unknown but longed for still 

and his tune is heard on the distant hill

 for the caged bird sings of freedom... 

please, pray for the bird.

Today has been beautiful

and I see now just how weary I am

...I have calmed and quieted my soul...- Psalm 131

let it be so.

You should have seen the way the street lamp shone through the tree over the river. The branches were all shot through by the beams and made to look like a mass of spiders webs. 

...that is all

Currently...

*Praising God for amazing fellowship with wise friends. 

*Listening to Boy With a Coin for the millionth time.  What can I say? It's gorgeous. 

*Reading things like this...

If human life is in fact ordered by a beneficent being whose knowledge of our real needs and of the way in which they can be satisfied infinitely exceeds our own, we must expect a priori that His operations will often appear to us far from beneficent and far from wise, and that it will be our highest prudence to give Him our confidence in spite of this..." C.S, Lewis  - On Obstinacy in Belief 

*And this...

He had turned his eyes so as to see suddenly the great face of Sunday, which wore a strange smile. 

     "Have you," he cried in a dreadful voice, "have you ever suffered?"

 As he gazed, the great face grew to an awful size, grew larger than the colossal mask of Memnon, which had made him scream as a child. It grew larger and larger, filling the whole sky; then everything went black. Only in the blackness before it entirely destroyed  his brain he seemed to hear a different voice saying a commonplace text that he had heard somewhere, "Can ye drink of the cup that I drink of?" - G.K. Chesterton - The Man Who Was Thursday

That is all

Scattered...I need my brain to go *schloop*

A snowflake landed on my nose

"...as we're lifted out of nowhere, with sunspots in our eyes..."

I spied a birds nest

Scads of music...swirling around in my head...what else is new

So much beauty in the world. So much. So many ideas and so much desire, but what good is all that without the ability to express. Frustration city. I feel like a creative implosion.

"There is nothing new under the sun..."

The IRS decided they didn't like my tax return. I decided I didn't like them. Then I realized that they were in the right. Of course they were.

Swing dancing was a very...singular experience this week. Maybe unfortunate is a better word.  I can't remember the last time I felt so repulsed.

"Perfection begins when it hurts, I'm healing in slashes and burns, and that's how you live with a curse..."

My parents sent me a really sweet card for Valentines day. They're absolutely amazing - I'm so blessed by their wisdom and encouragement...and the iTunes card :-D They know me so well...

In case I hadn't mentioned - I live with eleven of the most amazing women I've ever had the privilege of knowing. 

"Suffice it to say there's a time and a place so I wait..."

That is all.

today...

*I let Wendy in the house through the second story bathroom window

*I sang loud songs with my roommate 

*I filed my taxes

*I talked with someone in another state

*I made a tough decision

*I wrote a "has got to happen" list

*Life seemed big

*I felt small

*God was bigger

*Everything else was insignificant

That is all.

Things that have me laughing...

*The lack of hot water in a house of 12 girls for a week. The stories coming out of that little situation are absolutely magnificent. 

*Dani reading Patrick McManus stories...everything I ever wanted to know about black powder ;-D

*The Pullman airport. I mean...they have a loud speaker? Really? Why?

*The Pullman Airport Cat - Really now, what's not funny about a cat eating huckleberry yogurt off a spoon?

*My sister. She says the most amazing things sometimes...and spills stuff everywhere.

*The garage door wont open for some reason and Dad is kind of freaking out about it. So what do I do? Laugh, of course. Sooooo helpful.

* I get to see my brother today. He always makes me laugh. So, in anticipation...I'm laughing

That is all.